As many of you already know, Aryeh and I have recently broken up. It wasn't something that came out of the blue though; even if we had the epitome of a perfect relationship (no fights, flawless communication, unearthly passion, a connection deeper than the Mariana Trench), there was the fact the he is Jewish and I am not. Further, he had just finished uni and had no specific plan for the future, while I'm at the point of starting a three year degree. We both knew we were doomed, even if I, for the extent of our relationship, refused to acknowledge and accept this.

 

So, what now? How does a girl, who has always worn her heart on her sleeve, move on, when said heart actually has been given away and now lies shattered at the bottom of the ocean? 

 

Well she doesn't, really. But she keeps going. Keeps swimming. Studies, works, spends more time with her friends. Sometimes she pauses for a moment, and remembers. And it hurts. But next task, that online quiz due tomorrow for her least favourite unit, that picnic she has planned with her best friend who's finally come back for a visit from Sweden, a boxing class back at her old gym. Busy, busy, busy.

 

She stops listening to her three favourite songs, because they were their favourite songs and instead she meets new people. Notices that every trait that is different from him, isn't very attractive. Worries about this, but a friend suggests that maybe it's just a matter of now knowing what she values in a partner. She misses her heart, feels like she isn't capable of letting people in anymore, doesn't feel affection for anyone, only sorry for herself.

 

Dreams. Vivid, beautiful, painful; an escape from reality. She wakes up thinking "Maybe I won't cry today", but then spends the day fighting that lump in her throat until it explodes. And her sleeping patterns aren't helping; she becomes emotional when she is tired. 

 

Then one day in the shower she finds herself thinking about him and her eyes aren't burning. It hurts but she doesn't feel like she's going to cry. She sits on the bus and decides that she is sick of being sad. It is pointless and isn't helping the situation. She starts turning her negative thoughts into positive. And even though they don't feel genuine, she's proud of herself for being capable of turning it around in her head.

 

She waits. "Time heals all wounds". When? How much longer? It's been almost a month. She just wants her best friend back.

 

Hopefully one day. But for now, it's just her. And she grows, she becomes stronger. She quits all the bullshit, gets to know herself and becomes her own safety blanket. Grounds herself. So what, her heart is at the bottom of the ocean? Isn't that where her soul is anyway? Hasn't she always wanted to be a mermaid? Hasn't the sea always been her happy place? Maybe soon she will be able to swim down and piece it back together. Put it back in her chest, or on her sleeve, and learn to love again.